Stop Betting Away Your Self-Worth

I've come to the realization that I’ve lived my entire life hoping for others to approve of who I am as a person: how I sound, how I think, what I contribute, etc. Despite my harsh internal rating scale, I’d still give myself an A+ for how hard I have worked to make others like me and finally give me that stamp of approval I’ve yearned for, for all these years.

I was always so focused on the goal of being liked that I never realized how dangerous a game I was playing. Despite my significant efforts to be liked, day in and day out, I underestimated the challenge. I had convinced myself that there was only one impediment standing between me and approval, one I could precisely control. Armed with this belief, I contorted myself into what everyone around me wanted. At home, I would be the nice girl, listen to my parents at all costs and never raise any conflict. At school, I would be the nice girl, listen to the teachers and turn another cheek if I was wronged by a classmate. At work, I would be the nice girl, listen to authority and not speak up when I felt disrespected.

I wish that I hadn't grown up the way I did, I wish I could have had more of a strong semblance of self, putting myself first. I know wishing we could change the past is futile, but I want to become different, I want to live a life where my decisions and preferences flow from the core of who I am, not get placed on me by everyone else. I've been working towards this goal for years now, through my fear bucket list and in therapy. I recognize it sounds cliche, but I thought growth would be more linear. I had heard countless times that "you cannot be everyone's cup of tea", but truthfully it never fully clicked (and that made me feel ashamed, too). That sentiment seemed so obvious to certain people around me, but I could only understand it on an intellectual level. Beneath that, I was a deprived child seeking approval on every corner.

I had aced altering myself like a chameleon, but I had been blind to the fact that there were other variables that I had no control over that would contribute to how others viewed me and whether they approved or didn't. Therefore, at age 32, now writing this, I feel like I'm finally getting to the root and the healing of being me. However, it didn't come in a linear way. It came in the most unlinear way I could imagine. My debilitating feelings of low self-worth were teased out through this life experience at every twist and turn. Maybe it was meant to mean something, maybe it wasn't, but it hurt, like a dagger at each moment.

I had been blind to the fact that in order to win approval, it was never just about me. It was also about the other person: what mood they were in or whether they had any unconscious biases about someone like me. Most importantly though, was whether I was important to their life story in any way. Since they didn't put so much energy into wanting me to like them, they didn't understand the intense need to feel liked inside of me. To them, I was just another person. To me, this interaction felt absolutely critical to my survival. If they approved of me, I'd be able to breathe a sign of relief and go on with my day. If they didn't, I would turn to self-hatred and self-criticism easily. Each interaction felt like life-and-death. Ironically, I had felt rejection in the past: in the form of jobs or boyfriends, but each time it felt that I wouldn't survive it.

also had to ensure that the person I interacted with was in a pleasant mood and that they didn’t have any preconceived unconscious biases about someone like me.

Additionally, I also falsely operated under the impression that I could be everyone’s cup of tea. To me, each interaction was like a high-stakes game of roulette, where I was bound to lose my fortune [self-worth] each turn. and that I would more often than not, be disappointed. This was because that moment when everyone approved, I felt a level of euphoria and peace I didn’t understand. A feeling that I have a place in the world.

Getting an email from my corporate peeps.

Second, that there was no end-point to the game. Just because I gained approval from one person in my life during some period of time, I then had to focus on maintaining it.

Therefore, the game was actually much more like roulette than I expected. Somehow this realization

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